JFK

Only one letter off from being an anagram of the world’s least favourite fast food dispenser of steroid and growth hormone ‘simulated poultry’ containers, Johnny FK still remains in our imaginations as the most well known example of workplace violence in history. Only this time the disgruntled co-worker was his Vice-President and fellow acronym, El Blow Job, who, as Ringo Starr sang, committed the deed with a little help from his friends (a right wing cabal in the CIA). This is the only known instance of a crazed killer actually ending up on a Post Office stamp instead of merely being fired by the Post Office.

But it was probably for the best that JFnK was given his terrestrial pink slip because at this time he was known to be in the tertiary stages of a bad case of the syphilis which he’d first contracted as an eight year old after one of his frequent sexual assaults on the long suffering Kennedy household’s servant staff. He continued to contract syphilis throughout his teenage years and worked his way through all the major venereal diseases until finally majoring in Genital Warts at the University Of Entitled Rich American Kids. His favourite class of his university years was ironically “Limousine Riding for Entitled Rich American Kids” which he passed with flying colours after removing a co-ed’s panties and hymen in less than three seconds, a record for the course. He finally fulfilled the grandest dream of himself and his nation when he used the office of the most powerful political figure in the world (and the ensuite bathroom) to sexually assault Marilyn Monroe. This was the proudest moment of his life right up until the moment he found out she was in her mid-thirties and was, unusually for her age range and occupation, venereally clear. This was devastating for such a devoted chaser of infections like himself and the only way he could assuage his disappointment was to provoke the Cuban Missile Crisis with an anonymous heavy breathing call to Nikita Khrushchev’s mistress/shepherdess/trepanner.

The president’s wife, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, was out hat shopping at the time of the infidelity and didn’t notice the reduction of his sores until much later. After JFK’s assassination, she would eventually fall in love with a very short, very ugly, very sweaty, very balding Greek billionaire because of his “personality”.

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