Simon Cowell 

Now, we truly are looking into the Devil’s maw…and his nephew’s maw and the entire dogging community of Swindon’s maw. This is ground zero for evil. Genghis Khan is kicking his feet and shamefacedly looking at his toes realising his reign is over. Yes, the Great Khan initiated the empire that would bring from the Steppes of Mongolia, The Golden Horde, a killing machine that slaughtered everyone and incinerated everything in its path and hurled bubonic corpses over the walls of besieged medieval cities causing the deaths of up to a third of Medieval Europe’s population but that is small potatoes compared to what this dickhead has loosed upon the world.

And he’s a short arse too, we’ve only recently noticed. No offence to those of a smaller stature but we can’t resist using even petty insults on one who has caused so much suffering. But what has he done, you may ask. Yes, he may have prolonged Scary Spice’s career longer than the nanosecond it deserved but he is bringing entertainment to the whole family, from Granny to toddler, each Saturday night.

Er, ok, I guess you’re right.

Actually, no, you’re wrong! He is scum!

Grannies and toddlers should not be the arbiters of cultural tastes as their cultural tastes tend to resemble the contents of their fetid diapers and in a kinder, gentler world, Simon Cowell’s man-breasts would be put in stocks and pelted with the begrudgingly half-filled used condoms of Louis Walsh’s barely legal male escorts.

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