A Team of scientists working in the Swiss city of Basel have put the contentious proposition forward that people suffering from depression should drink alcohol in daily doses. They have also, through extensive research, found that the depression alleviating properties of intoxication through alcohol are most effective in specialised surroundings. “Alcohol works best in a venue that promotes certain activities. We’ve found that any type of performance in which female entertainers remove items of clothing in a ritualised manner combined with the consumption of alcohol is one of the surest ways of relieving symptoms of depression in certain male test subjects”. 

They also found that the palliative effects of this are even more enhanced if performers enact their disrobing whilst in close proximity to the subjects. “We determined that if the female performer actually sits in the lap or perhaps rubs body parts in the face of the patient, he responds with immediate mood improvement and a flood of endorphins. It really is uncanny and something we were totally unprepared for” said Carl Velvet, chief scientist on the project. 

“Right now we are campaigning for more funding and have invited various political and medical organisations to inspect our findings. We’ve had members of the European Union,  African Union, OPEC, WHO, WWE, WWF and others offer themselves as test subjects. A placebo group will be sent to Bible Study groups in Utah, USA”.