Manufacturers and producers of the world’s cheeses were put on high alert yesterday as The International Court of Justice, which has its seat in The Hague, designated their foodstuff as highly divisive and a breeder of intolerance. The court was not willing to show evidence of these conclusions and condemned the cheese producers as entitled and blinkered for expecting any.

Recent investigative work has unearthed that many of the members on the judiciary panel may have held deep seated and irrational antipathy towards cheese since early childhood. Video footage of one younger judge as a toddler repeatedly shows her saying no to an offered slice of Edam in blatant disregard for any Dutch people who may have been present. Investigations are ongoing.