Ever since the Napoleonic era, the French populace have had a fascination with the short and the ugly, and this partially explains Emmanuel Macron’s stratospheric rise to the lowest approval ratings since the previous two French presidents; Sneezy and Grumpy. But the French also have a deep seated love of inappropriate sexual relationships and with this, Macron comes through with flying colours. Though losing some points for her only recently scientifically proven membership of our particular branch of the primate world, Macron’s nonagenarian spouse Brigitte, more than makes up for it by being spectacularly and woefully and perhaps even criminally unsuitable as a sexual partner. In fact a graphic sex tape of the couple in the throes of contrived ecstasy was recently uploaded to the internet under the ominous title of “The Horror, The Horror”.

Macron is also noted as the equally incompetent and bed-wetting successor to Tony Blair in the same way that Johnny Hallyday was a successor to Elvis, if Elvis was Cliff Richard….or Johnny Hallyday. He is most beloved by wealthy elites for helping to maintain their cushy but meaningless lifestyles, but is of course despised by everyone else and meeting and having any interaction with him has been described as being eerily similar to the feeling induced when scraping foie gras from the bottom of one’s shoe whilst gargling a mime artist’s phlegm.