The first openly foot worshipping Pontif since the OGJC himself, Pope Francis has spent more time on his knees inspecting young men’s extremities than a podiatrist with extreme vertigo. So it’s perhaps not surprising that as a devotee of kink and alternative lifestyles he’s not been completely diligent in cracking down on the Catholic Church’s best loved (by 50% of the participants anyways) After School activity.

Pope Francis is from South America which means he is the first Pope who can beat you at keepy-uppy and also win the prize for best float at the Samba parade. Themes that his floats have featured include Maradona Mullets, What Would Jesus Meringue and Feeding The Five Thousand On Bread And Cocaine.

His Holiness has been particularly successful at encouraging poverty stricken populations to reproduce at such a rate that they can look forward to a lifetime of penury and hardship and kicking Islam’s ass in the numbers game. Unlike his predecessor Pope Arnold Benedict, who focused his attention solely on the fertility of zer Germanic peoples und zer purest blood of the Aryan mensch until zey vill rise again und crush the untermensch for ein thousand years und…. Sorry what were we saying? Oh yes, Francis is also a committed social activist blogger who has raised over $0.37 through his PayPal donation button and $15,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 through collection at Mass and Vatican Bank money laundering.