As the Field Marshall Generalissimo responsible for rallying the Millenial troops in the fight for the right to binge drink blue alcoholic beverages, cry in a toilet cubicle and pass out behind a hedge, Beyonce is also admired worldwide by corporate stock holders, hedge fund managers and funfair folk for her ability to manipulate the low self-esteem….sorry, empower acne ridden social media addicts.

Noted for bravely adhering to whatever is the current moral orthodoxy, she is also recognised for being flexible enough to shamelessly jump on the next bandwagon that comes along that can gain her media coverage and help pay for J-Zed’s (her beard’s) paternity suits.

Probably her most exceptional quality and what separates her from other lip-synchers cavorting about in their underwear, is she actually sang on one listenable song, which she recorded only fifteen years ago. For her peers this is an incredible strike rate as even Madonna, now in her early seventies, has still been unable to involve herself in songwriting that has any merit whatsoever and her career has spanned most of the twentieth century and all of this one, even going back to her early days in 1937 when she knocked George Formby from the top spot in the charts with her introspective romantic ballad “Touch My Body And Look At My Tits”. She memorably performed this number at Adolf Hitler’s 48th birthday party for an undisclosed but undoubtedly astronomical fee, an event which started the progressive pop star trend of performing for mass murderers and gifted human rights abusers for cold hard cash which Beyonce and others have lovingly continued.

Coincidentally Beyonce plans to do a remix of this very Madonna song with DJ Major Lazer Eye Surgery Liposuction, catchily retitling it “I’m Going To Kick You In The Balls And Then I Want You To Look At My Tits”.