Here we have a living example of why Kim Jong Un’s Grandad should have won the war. Affecting the de rigeur demeanor of a surly, lanky lesbian volleyball player in a failing team, each member of this musical advertisement for hermit kingdoms is remarkably different from every other member of every other K-Plop entity in existence. In fact genetic tests in strict compliance with international standards have finally proven that K-Pop isn’t just one group of very fast South Korean young men who are very adept at changing clothes and being in different places at the same time. Though even if it was, could you really tell the difference? As child protection laws are very lax in South Korea the BTS boys have been allowed to be groomed for stardom since pre-pubescence by a highly secretive ring of low profile men who communicate exclusively in a coded language on the dark web. Many of these men are still unincarcerated.

BTS could best be described as a badly smudged sixth generation photo copy of the Backstreet Boys, but this has not deterred their management in their obsessive quest for money, kimchi and contraband hard drives and although not quite as emotionally attached to the lads since they entered their teens, the “Gentlemen’s Playtime Ring” as they call themselves, are still looking to squeeze every last squeal, yen, won, rupee or whatever it’s called over there, out of the group.

Each of the 24 members of BTS has a unique look and makes his own idiosyncratic contribution to the feel of the group. Too Yung Fo Yu is the blonde one who contributes being blonde, Hu Flung Dung is the slightly less blonde one who contributes being slightly less blonde, Yung Scum is available for parties and has contributed a greater variety of hair colours in his tenure in the group than an entire Gender Studies graduating class, Fung Yu is the joker of the pack as he only dyes his hair the same colour it already is and has demonstrated worrying signs of having a personality. Because of this shameful trait he is currently being pressured to commit suicide by his family, friends and Korean society as a whole.

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