Lord Smyth of Didcot, a Conservative peer who has been in the House of Lords since 1976, is making a bid to launch himself as a recording artist in the topsy turvy world of Jamaican Dancehall. Previously on the executive board of ICI Corporation the Lord said he felt the pull of digital Dancehall after numerous youtube viewings of so-called “twerking” videos recorded and uploaded on their smartphones by aspiring young female dancers.
He says he is aware he might not be immediately accepted in the milieu of the Kingston music world but to help things along he has had hair extensions put in to replicate the appearance of a practicing Rastafarian and is studying closely the stand up comedy oeuvre of Lenny Henry and Dawn French in an attempt to master the Jamaican dialect known as Patois.
He has already self released his first Bashment single entitled “Bad Gun Man Shoot Dem Fe Henley On Thames”, a blistering and abrasive take on the encroachment of the Green Belt in which he makes the case that it should be reserved purely for the growth of sacramental marijuana. He is currently in hospital recovering from stab wounds suffered at Ascot.
Let’s face it, he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but Adolf Hitler was still the face of German and Austrian vegetarianism for much of the twentieth century and for this alone his legacy needs to be examined. In all honesty, we here at ITF are very busy running our string of specialised braised appendix restaurants for the Freemason community so we haven’t really had much time to invest in research on the rumoured colourful background of Reich Chancellor Hitler but we do know he was somewhat involved in politics at a local level and was very hands on in his desire to get the word out about a meat free diet. We’ve also heard rumours that he was an avid animal lover with a great admiration of the Dobermann, Schnauzer, Fleischripper, Skullenchomper, Tendonblitzkrieger and Colonschredder breeds and of Teutonic lapdogs in general. There are also reports that he was a dedicated water-colourist so enamoured with the activity that he wrote a manual on the different techniques and materials available to the serious Sunday painter entitled My Struggle. This book was so popular and sold so well in Germany that it has been out of stock for the last seventy years and to this day water-colourists and amateur artists in Germany are known as Waffen Schutzstaffel or The SS for short.
But of course what he is most remembered for is a series of riveting and extremely scrumptious Quinoa based recipes that he self-published between 1939 and 1945. In fact his name is so identified with herbivorousness that whenever we meet a vegetarian we immediately think of Adolf Hitler and everything he stood for. This even applies to celebrities who are non meat eating such as pop balladeer Morrissey and rockin’ grandad Paul McCartney. It’s also commonly surmised that, although McCartney’s songwriting partner John Lennon never actually embraced vegetarianism, he was so impressed with Adolf Hitler’s character and views that he married the closest thing he could find in female form, Yoko Ono.
So remember, next time you meet a vegetarian be sure to tell them how much similarity you see between them and their trailblazing hero Adolf Hitler and how they are the living embodiment of everything he stood for. If their blood sugar is up, they are conscious and they are able to summon the requisite energy, they will thank you profusely. We can guarantee it.
Ever since the Napoleonic era, the French populace have had a fascination with the short and the ugly, and this partially explains Emmanuel Macron’s stratospheric rise to the lowest approval ratings since the previous two French presidents; Sneezy and Grumpy. But the French also have a deep seated love of inappropriate sexual relationships and with this, Macron comes through with flying colours. Though losing some points for her only recently scientifically proven membership of our particular branch of the primate world, Macron’s nonagenarian spouse Brigitte, more than makes up for it by being spectacularly and woefully and perhaps even criminally unsuitable as a sexual partner. In fact a graphic sex tape of the couple in the throes of contrived ecstasy was recently uploaded to the internet under the ominous title of “The Horror, The Horror”.
Macron is also noted as the equally incompetent and bed-wetting successor to Tony Blair in the same way that Johnny Hallyday was a successor to Elvis, if Elvis was Cliff Richard….or Johnny Hallyday. He is most beloved by wealthy elites for helping to maintain their cushy but meaningless lifestyles, but is of course despised by everyone else and meeting and having any interaction with him has been described as being eerily similar to the feeling induced when scraping foie gras from the bottom of one’s shoe whilst gargling a mime artist’s phlegm.
Known as the Trendy Vicar of Death to Lucifer and his minions, ex UK Prime Minister Blair has been one of Satan’s most gifted recruits. Tony first fell head over heels with the forces of darkness and the worship of the great Unclean One during summer holidays as a child when he found himself at wit’s end with nothing to do after torturing every available living creature in his back garden. Then, in what would be a constant feature throughout his life, he picked himself up, dusted himself off and threw himself whole heartedly into the destruction of all that is good in the universe.
His first attempt at defiling everything we know to be of worth was through the medium of adult orientated soft rock but this proved to be a dead end when he was cruelly reminded by successive audiences that the name of his group, Ugly Rumours, was in fact misleading as he was in fact demonstrably and very clearly extremely ugly without any need for insinuation whatsoever. This was a low point for the pointlessly vain future PM and he seriously considered ceasing his assault on everything we know that is decent about humanity until miraculously, like an angel falling out of the sky and hitting the kerb of every cloud on the way down with her face, he met someone even more physically off putting than himself.
Ladies and gentleman I introduce to you Cherie Blair.
Here we have a living example of why Kim Jong Un’s Grandad should have won the war. Affecting the de rigeur demeanor of a surly, lanky lesbian volleyball player in a failing team, each member of this musical advertisement for hermit kingdoms is remarkably different from every other member of every other K-Plop entity in existence. In fact genetic tests in strict compliance with international standards have finally proven that K-Pop isn’t just one group of very fast South Korean young men who are very adept at changing clothes and being in different places at the same time. Though even if it was, could you really tell the difference? As child protection laws are very lax in South Korea the BTS boys have been allowed to be groomed for stardom since pre-pubescence by a highly secretive ring of low profile men who communicate exclusively in a coded language on the dark web. Many of these men are still unincarcerated.
BTS could best be described as a badly smudged sixth generation photo copy of the Backstreet Boys, but this has not deterred their management in their obsessive quest for money, kimchi and contraband hard drives and although not quite as emotionally attached to the lads since they entered their teens, the “Gentlemen’s Playtime Ring” as they call themselves, are still looking to squeeze every last squeal, yen, won, rupee or whatever it’s called over there, out of the group.
Each of the 24 members of BTS has a unique look and makes his own idiosyncratic contribution to the feel of the group. Too Yung Fo Yu is the blonde one who contributes being blonde, Hu Flung Dung is the slightly less blonde one who contributes being slightly less blonde, Yung Scum is available for parties and has contributed a greater variety of hair colours in his tenure in the group than an entire Gender Studies graduating class, Fung Yu is the joker of the pack as he only dyes his hair the same colour it already is and has demonstrated worrying signs of having a personality. Because of this shameful trait he is currently being pressured to commit suicide by his family, friends and Korean society as a whole.
As the Field Marshall Generalissimo responsible for rallying the Millenial troops in the fight for the right to binge drink blue alcoholic beverages, cry in a toilet cubicle and pass out behind a hedge, Beyonce is also admired worldwide by corporate stock holders, hedge fund managers and funfair folk for her ability to manipulate the low self-esteem….sorry, empower acne ridden social media addicts.
Noted for bravely adhering to whatever is the current moral orthodoxy, she is also recognised for being flexible enough to shamelessly jump on the next bandwagon that comes along that can gain her media coverage and help pay for J-Zed’s (her beard’s) paternity suits.
Probably her most exceptional quality and what separates her from other lip-synchers cavorting about in their underwear, is she actually sang on one listenable song, which she recorded only fifteen years ago. For her peers this is an incredible strike rate as even Madonna, now in her early seventies, has still been unable to involve herself in songwriting that has any merit whatsoever and her career has spanned most of the twentieth century and all of this one, even going back to her early days in 1937 when she knocked George Formby from the top spot in the charts with her introspective romantic ballad “Touch My Body And Look At My Tits”. She memorably performed this number at Adolf Hitler’s 48th birthday party for an undisclosed but undoubtedly astronomical fee, an event which started the progressive pop star trend of performing for mass murderers and gifted human rights abusers for cold hard cash which Beyonce and others have lovingly continued.
Coincidentally Beyonce plans to do a remix of this very Madonna song with DJ Major Lazer Eye Surgery Liposuction, catchily retitling it “I’m Going To Kick You In The Balls And Then I Want You To Look At My Tits”.
Giving self love a bad name since he performed his own Caesarian Section on his long suffering mother back on June 19th, 1964, Boris Johnson has scaled such heights of tiresomeness that only a Dengue Fever laden mosquito with narcissistic personality disorder could come close to matching his sheer unlikability. Generally considered to be the biggest waste of blonde hair since Jayne Mansfield’s tragic decapitation in a crashed Buick, he has still managed to convince everyone that he is the worthy successor to Winston Churchill in both political gravitas and leadership nous. When we say everyone, we mean the dead eyed sex workers he routinely hires to dress up like Neville Chamberlain and role play in a dominance and submission BDSM ritual with Johnson dressed as Eleanor Roosevelt. The safe word is “micropenis”.
Historically the only politician scientifically and quantifiably proven to contain even less traces of charisma than Theresa May, Johnson’s self delusion of competence has still led him, since 2015, to lead a fairly successful career as a highly unsuccessful member of parliament for the glamorous hotspots of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. Unfortunately he has been unable to spend much time in his constituency since the erection by his constituents of a thirty metre tall Wicker Man with his name painted in ram’s blood on its torso situated next to the Tesco Metro on the high street. Many world leaders were subsequently discovered to have secretly contributed to the Wicker Man’s GoFundMe campaign with North Korea’s Kim Jung Un donating $165, half of his country’s agricultural budget. As always, Johnson considered the threat of his immolation surrounded by a baying mob as a form of back handed compliment and after hearing of it he went into to a nearby toilet cubicle to look, once again, at his genitals.
One of only a handful of happy go lucky Nobel Peace Prize winners to go on to commit genocide, Aung San Suu Kyi is also renowned for having the world’s most difficult name to spell without consulting the internet. Considered one of the globe’s most eligible GILFs, she even has her own category on Pornhub and her videos consistently score in the high eighties percentage wise. Although some have accused her of playing hard and fast with her category as much of her video output was produced during her fifteen years of house arrest in the nineties and noughties when she would easily have been considered MILF material by many myopic rice queens.
With a political career more disappointing than a Microsoft search engine, Ms Kyi still manages to appear morally superior to the Arch Angel Gabriel. She is also a noted spendthrift and has earmarked 25% of Myanmar’s profits from land confiscation to be set aside for the purchase of black hair dye and in an international gesture of good will was the first to suggest setting up a rescue fund for Paul McCartney’s hairdresser.
The first openly foot worshipping Pontif since the OGJC himself, Pope Francis has spent more time on his knees inspecting young men’s extremities than a podiatrist with extreme vertigo. So it’s perhaps not surprising that as a devotee of kink and alternative lifestyles he’s not been completely diligent in cracking down on the Catholic Church’s best loved (by 50% of the participants anyways) After School activity.
Pope Francis is from South America which means he is the first Pope who can beat you at keepy-uppy and also win the prize for best float at the Samba parade. Themes that his floats have featured include Maradona Mullets, What Would Jesus Meringue and Feeding The Five Thousand On Bread And Cocaine.
His Holiness has been particularly successful at encouraging poverty stricken populations to reproduce at such a rate that they can look forward to a lifetime of penury and hardship and kicking Islam’s ass in the numbers game. Unlike his predecessor Pope Arnold Benedict, who focused his attention solely on the fertility of zer Germanic peoples und zer purest blood of the Aryan mensch until zey vill rise again und crush the untermensch for ein thousand years und…. Sorry what were we saying? Oh yes, Francis is also a committed social activist blogger who has raised over $0.37 through his PayPal donation button and $15,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 through collection at Mass and Vatican Bank money laundering.