Posted on

Home Counties Peer Launches Dancehall Reggae Career

Lord Smyth of Didcot, a Conservative peer who has been in the House of Lords since 1976, is making a bid to launch himself as a recording artist in the topsy turvy world of Jamaican Dancehall. Previously on the executive board of ICI Corporation the Lord said he felt the pull of digital Dancehall after numerous youtube viewings of so-called “twerking” videos recorded and uploaded on their smartphones by aspiring young female dancers.

He says he is aware he might not be immediately accepted in the milieu of the Kingston music world but to help things along he has had hair extensions put in to replicate the appearance of a practicing Rastafarian and is studying closely the stand up comedy oeuvre of Lenny Henry and Dawn French in an attempt to master the Jamaican dialect known as Patois.

He has already self released his first Bashment single entitled “Bad Gun Man Shoot Dem Fe Henley On Thames”, a blistering and abrasive take on the encroachment of the Green Belt in which he makes the case that it should be reserved purely for the growth of sacramental marijuana. He is currently in hospital recovering from stab wounds suffered at Ascot.

Posted on

Alcohol Could Be Cure For Depression

A Team of scientists working in the Swiss city of Basel have put the contentious proposition forward that people suffering from depression should drink alcohol in daily doses. They have also, through extensive research, found that the depression alleviating properties of intoxication through alcohol are most effective in specialised surroundings. “Alcohol works best in a venue that promotes certain activities. We’ve found that any type of performance in which female entertainers remove items of clothing in a ritualised manner combined with the consumption of alcohol is one of the surest ways of relieving symptoms of depression in certain male test subjects”. 

They also found that the palliative effects of this are even more enhanced if performers enact their disrobing whilst in close proximity to the subjects. “We determined that if the female performer actually sits in the lap or perhaps rubs body parts in the face of the patient, he responds with immediate mood improvement and a flood of endorphins. It really is uncanny and something we were totally unprepared for” said Carl Velvet, chief scientist on the project. 

“Right now we are campaigning for more funding and have invited various political and medical organisations to inspect our findings. We’ve had members of the European Union,  African Union, OPEC, WHO, WWE, WWF and others offer themselves as test subjects. A placebo group will be sent to Bible Study groups in Utah, USA”.

Posted on

Famous Novelist Uses Spam Folder To Write Book

Shebright Wakespeare, one of the East Midlands most famous council grant beneficiaries has laid out their plan for their next book. Wakespeare is scouring the spam folder in their gmail account for plot devices and narrative structures.

So far the skeleton of the book is starting to take shape and the author feels exhilarated by the possibilities that lie ahead. They say the novel will feature a group of Nigerian princes who will work at home for up to a thousand dollars a day in order to purchase a completely safe and effective cure for erectile dysfunction.

After listing the LinkedIn requests of a vast swathe of totally unknown and unwanted profiles, the protagonists will contract Ebola after being bitten by a MailChimp Newsletter. Then all the MeetUp groups that Wakespeare is a member of will send a reminder to attend the princes’ funeral which will be ignored en masse. Shebright has said he will be spending his publishing advance at Curry Club on a Thursday in late May.

Posted on

Heart Surgery To Be Performed By Popular TikTokers

In a bid to build awareness and promote inclusion some of TikTok’s most watched dancers are being offered the chance to perform open heart surgery on unsuspecting patients. Although some have questioned the ethics of these procedures owing to the complete lack of any surgical or medical training in the dancers, others have argued that if the surgeries are successful the whole subject of life or death operations would become much more approachable to younger people.

Vanya Luv, a 17 year old Belarusian known for her high energy kicks whilst mumble rapping in Minsk street argot has promised she will watch one or two YouTube videos on medicinal marijuana to inculcate herself into the culture of medical procedures. The patients would be mostly made up of veterans and those who serve in the essential services, chosen because they in all likelihood would probably be over the moon about being able to potentially sacrifice their lives in order to gain a few views here and there on the Chinese based video app.

Although the organisers are aware there will probably be a high mortality rate, a group of semi famous Twitchers will be drafted in as part of a reality television show to transport, incinerate and dispose of the ashes of the veterans and midwives. Most likely through flushing.

Posted on

Cheese Has Been Designated A Hate Crime

Manufacturers and producers of the world’s cheeses were put on high alert yesterday as The International Court of Justice, which has its seat in The Hague, designated their foodstuff as highly divisive and a breeder of intolerance. The court was not willing to show evidence of these conclusions and condemned the cheese producers as entitled and blinkered for expecting any.

Recent investigative work has unearthed that many of the members on the judiciary panel may have held deep seated and irrational antipathy towards cheese since early childhood. Video footage of one younger judge as a toddler repeatedly shows her saying no to an offered slice of Edam in blatant disregard for any Dutch people who may have been present. Investigations are ongoing.

Posted on

Cats In Self Esteem Breakthrough

A study in Massachusetts has found that the self esteem of domestic house cats has been slightly declining in recent years. A group of seventy four cats in a suburban enclave of Boston were diligently observed over a five year period by qualified veterinarians and pet groomers. 

Strikingly the rate of withering looks of contempt directed towards the observers were not continuous and complete. On three separate occasions over the course of the five years, cats actually approached the humans looking for attention rather than the other way round. On another seventeen recorded occasions, meals were immediately eaten by cats and not dismissively ignored, followed by a quick turn around and a nose in the air, light footed trot in the opposite direction.

Of course at no point in the half decade did the researchers feel remotely on an equal par with their feline subjects but they did mention that they didn’t feel as needy and desirous of the cats’ attention and approval as they had before. The neighborhood’s dogs were on schedule to be tested for their own self esteem issues but instead were given a biscuit and locked in their hallways.

Posted on

New Monetary System Proposed

A new monetary system is being proposed by a group of breakaway Economics professors from America’s elite Ivy League universities. The monetary system would be based on something called ‘violence’ which would be used as a way of lubricating the wheels of commerce.

Violence is described as using steel toed boots, a pair of scissors from a sideboard or a ball peen hammer to convince both parties in a transaction of the viability of their goods. For example in exchange for consultation in the index fund market a sledgehammer would be brought down on the foot of a client with extreme force. As a form of derivatives barbells would be dropped from the height of two metres on to the groin area of investors and it would be common practice to vigorously twist the nipples of hedge fund managers whilst wearing leather driving gloves and use a stainless steel garlic press on one of the testicles of the aforementioned speculators. 

These innovative financial practices, economists say, could jump start the economy in a period of stag-flation resulting in a more sturdy currency market. The ultimate aim and vision would be to enable a robust, manufacturing based economy with the constant whipping of heavy motorcycle chains on the soles of the feet of those most deeply embedded within. Teeth would be removed with rusty pliers in particularly buoyant quarters.