The man, the myth, the carbuncle of the holy and the pure ones’ dreams. The person who, in the minds of vast amounts of traumatised people, has been pictured fornicating with a long suffering Slovenian more than any other septagenarian in human history. A man who revels in the disgust he induces in people. Who actually enjoys the revulsion of the pious and the self proclaimed empathetic. The only time the singer from A Flock Of Seagulls has said “You know, I thought I had truly travelled to a place where no one could possibly want to follow in the hair department. A place so benighted and shameful that I would hold on to that territory for all time. But no, no Donald, you have trampled into my kingdom and torn it asunder until it looked as if it were almost socially acceptable to have worn my hair in such a way. For you, and only you, wear that crown now. Even the mighty Kajagagoogoo must bow in your presence.” 

To some, he is a white supremacist, which to them, is a bad thing. To others, he is a white supremacist, which to them, is a good thing. The Manichean view one takes depends entirely on whether suntanned people are cleaning your toilets or mugging your children. 

The year of 1997 was a special year for Donald as this is when he was last recorded being able to string two sentences together without inducing a migraine in any listener and also when, after seeing uncensored photographs of Princess Diana in a Paris tunnel, he was inspired to adopt his current coiffure. It was also the year that Britain gave Hong Kong back to the Chinese. Negotiations are currently underway to reverse the handover in exchange for President Trump’s penis and testicles in a Ming Vase.