New Monetary System Proposed

A new monetary system is being proposed by a group of breakaway Economics professors from America’s elite Ivy League universities. The monetary system would be based on something called ‘violence’ which would be used as a way of lubricating the wheels of commerce.

Violence is described as using steel toed boots, a pair of scissors from a sideboard or a ball peen hammer to convince both parties in a transaction of the viability of their goods. For example in exchange for consultation in the index fund market a sledgehammer would be brought down on the foot of a client with extreme force. As a form of derivatives barbells would be dropped from the height of two metres on to the groin area of investors and it would be common practice to vigorously twist the nipples of hedge fund managers whilst wearing leather driving gloves and use a stainless steel garlic press on one of the testicles of the aforementioned speculators. 

These innovative financial practices, economists say, could jump start the economy in a period of stag-flation resulting in a more sturdy currency market. The ultimate aim and vision would be to enable a robust, manufacturing based economy with the constant whipping of heavy motorcycle chains on the soles of the feet of those most deeply embedded within. Teeth would be removed with rusty pliers in particularly buoyant quarters.

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